13+ Artemis Fowl Reviews – Strong Disney+ Stench

Artemis Fowl ⭐️½

Click the title above to read my review. I think it hits the low, er, high points.

You’ve probably heard by now that this straight to Disney+ film with $125 million budget is a stinker. Get yourself over to competing streaming service Netflix and watch Spike Lee’s insightful Da 5 Bloods instead, but if you really want to read why this movie sucks, stay with me.

Yes, Branagh and/or folks at Disney were potentially gun-shy about making a movie about a pint-sized villain who maliciously kidnaps a fairy to get fairy gold and restore his family fortune. We can debate the wisdom of that possibility, and how the choice to make Artemis into a more conventional Y.A. fantasy hero (including regular clothes, a traditional physicality and a mostly healthy relationship with his father) negated the very thing that made the Artemis Fowl I.P. worthwhile.

‘Artemis Fowl’: Hollywood Keeps Making The Same Franchise-Killing Mistake

Ouch. First, the good reviewer warning.

… you’ve been warned, SPOILERS ahead …

The story is almost impossible to follow, the characters unlikable, the acting attrocious

This.

But … the book series is good

I can’t vouch for the books because I haven’t read them, but have read plenty of people praising how great they are. And readers of this well-thought of series seem even more distressed about this movie adaptation.

Wouldn’t be the first, and sadly not last, time that good books are translated poorly.

Oh, that budget, that pesky, bloated budget

Whenever I see a terrible movie squandering a $100+ million budget, I think of all the amazing movies that have been done through history for a couple million or less dollars. Seriously, dozens of great films could be made for the same amount of money spent on Artemis Fowl (see: $100+ Million Movie Budgets Are Stupid)

Josh Gad is a bright spot, that should say enough

I’m not in the hate on Josh Gad actor club, but when he’s a positive as narrator of any film, that reinforces the narrative of those who do dislike his performances. Gad’s problem is he seems to be a one-dimensional actor with a really harsh, whiny voice. It grates on your nerves just hearing this guy talk. Here, however, his narration — somehow, some way — inexplicably works.

Remember Cats, yeah, then this?!?!, fire your agent Judi Dench

It’s official, I don’t want to see Judi Dench in another film any time soon as anything other than, well, Judi Dench.

Judi Dench is a great actress, but she’s been seduced by two foul scripts in the last year, both dressing her up as non-human characters. That abortive mess Cats and now, this. Judi, dear, time for a new agent if s/he recommended either of these garbage films.

Films like these will continue the unfair belief that streaming films can’t be as good as theatrical releases

Perhaps the worst part of this supports the notion that a movie that goes straight to streaming must by default be inferior. It’s the same diss on TV films being lesser quality than theatrical releases. There are plenty of awful theatrical releases and had there been no pandemic this film would have bombed very badly in theaters.

There have been some amazing, outstanding movies released directly on streaming within the last year. This isn’t one of them, unfortunately.

Reviews by Others

Enough of why I didn’t care for it, what do others think of Artemis Fowl?

Recommended

  1. BecFlix Film Reviews: “…it’s story line is interesting enough for a quiet Sunday afternoon movie. It’s easy enough, and suitable for family viewing. It doesn’t make a huge impact, and probably isn’t a film that you would tell everyone to see. It’s easy going television, but doesn’t feel like something big hitting.”

Not Recommended

  1. Clay Bones (1/5): “For a film that seeps mythical potential, you’re left wondering where the magic is. A couple of decades in the film draft room, and an audacious budget which surpasses the $120mil mark, you find yourself scratching your head due to what little they have to show for it.”
  2. Drew’s Movie Reviews: “…was OK. I can’t convince myself to say this is a bad film but it’s close. Even with a non-existent story, mediocre visuals, and pacing issues abound, I must admit that I had at least a little bit of fun. Not enough to revisit it again but enough to call it mediocre at best.”
  3. Fast Film Reviews / Mark Hobin (1/5): “I couldn’t decipher it.  For the uninitiated (that would include me) Artemis Fowl is an impenetrable hodgepodge.”
  4. Film Planet (0/5): “…is one of the worst Disney live action films to have been released In some time (which is saying a lot given the live action remakes), being that it is an unfinished mess of a film with a cobbled together weak story, bad acting and characters that range from annoying, to bland to unlikable. There is nothing close to redeemable about this film.”
  5. Griff’s Picks: “Bland, incoherent and half-baked in just about every element, Artemis Fowl is ultimately a charmless, glossy and empty chore of weightless world-building.”
  6. Jeremy Greer: “They left the movie open for a sequel that it’s clearly not going to get, which just leaves you feeling even more unsatisfied by the end. I like what they were trying to do here, but they just didn’t make it work. If you want to follow this story, I’d suggest you just read the books.”
  7. Jordan Woodson’s Reviews: “Overall, this was a complete disaster of a movie and there is no way the books are anywhere near the quality of this or else they wouldn’t be as popular and beloved as they seem to be.”
  8. Keith & The movies (1.5/5): “Aside from the blandest storytelling and the most cookie-cutter characters, the dialogue is mind-numbing.”
  9. leebutler / Movie Meister Reviews (1/5): “This is pathetic even by Disney standards, and considering this was something I looked forward to after the trilogy of awful remakes from last year… I just can’t have nice things, can I?”
  10. Maz / The Nerds Uncanny (Grade: D): “Doing season instead of a 93-minute film would also have made all the information that’s thrown at us easier to digest. As is, “Artemis Fowl” is a chopped up mess that wastes an entertaining premise and an eccentric array of characters.”
  11. Moshfish Reviews: “a bad movie. It would have needed some real work to be great, but there is no reason it could not have been at least ‘good’. But as it stands, it just gets added to the pile alongside EragonPercy JacksonAvatar: The Last Airbender and Dragonball Evolution, among many more, in the garbage pile.”
  12. Rattan Mutti / thedisinsider.com: “A film that didn’t do justice to its source material, its cast, or the fans of the material. It all adds up to what is truly a disappointment.”
  13. thehipsterllama / A Fistful of Film: “…there’s the me now, three days after having seen it, tasked with the herculean effort of writing about the piece of shit, and then there’s the me who, once they get started talking about the movie, has it all come flooding back to them like Vietnam flashbacks.”
  14. The Movie Giant: “…is an awful experience of unbearable length.”
  15. The Review Roundtable Reviews (0.5/5): “is one of the worst films I’ve had to sit through in my life. At 95 minutes, it feels like it’s over 2 hours. The only redeeming factor to this movie is if you watch it with a couple of drinks in your system like I did. And watch it with friends. You’ll likely have a great time picking it apart like we did.”
  16. The Super Powered Fancast: “Ultimately, Artemis Fowl fails as a movie because it takes too much of its runtime trying to setup a series.”
  17. Thoughts On Current Film / Joel Alexander (Grade: F): “This movie alone made me question the seven dollars I give Disney Plus every month; why support a company that releases constant drivel like this? Artemis Fowl is the true product of 2020, a soulless mess that gets progressively worse the longer it lasts.”
  18. Wizard Dojo: “Here’s a movie telling us that there’s a whole other world beneath the Earth, but almost all the action takes place at one building. Artemis Fowl kind of reminds me of Glass in that regard, a movie begging to stretch its legs but is shackled to one confined space.”

Linked above and wondering what would be the cool thing to do next? Commenting once in awhile is always good (I like reader and other blogger interaction). If you have the trackback/pingback come to your site then just approve it because after people read your review then they can come here and follow links and read someone else’s review. What comes around goes around and sharing is the ultimate “thank you!” on the internet.

Did I miss your review? Use the comments to tell me about your movie-related/review blog and I’ll follow. I like following movie-related blogs and pull quoting from my reading list as well as other new blogs shared, liked and discovered.

Happy movie watching!

FIRST LOOK: Artemis Fowl

Artemis Fowl is an adaptation from a series of books by Eion Colfer and heading from closed theaters to Disney+ subscribers, yes, it’s skipping VOD entirely.

How faithful this remains to the books will be up to others to review, as I’m not planning on reading any of the books before watching.

The Lovebirds (Netflix) and My Spy (Amazon Prime Video) are taking the same path straight to streaming.

Author Eoin Colfer has come a long way since his primary school teaching days when in 1991, his first Artemis Fowl book was published and he went on to write seven more.

Artemis Fowl Author Eoin Colfer Thanks Wife for Books’ Success

The trailer:

There are some very polished special effects in the trailer. It looks and is an expensive movie with a budget of $125 million. This isn’t the most expensive straight to streaming channel movies, as I think that award goes to The Irishman, but props to Disney for giving this to subscribers. Whether or not this movie is good we’ll soon find out. I’m like 3/10 in interest on seeing this based on the trailer. You?

Artemis Fowl will be available for streaming on Disney+ on June 12, 2020.

2 Movies COMING TO THEATERS in May 2020 (maybe) + 7 Movies Rescheduled

NOTE: This post will continue to be updated until the end of May 2020, as movie release dates change, newer trailers drop, sometimes within weeks of the scheduled release date

Normally — not these times right now — when theaters are open, this post would have been made about 45 days prior to all theatrical releases. The studios are changing movie release dates so frequently right now, we waited until the end of April to publish this post.

As of this writing, there are only *2* movies scheduled to open in theaters and, at least in our area, no theaters are open anywhere. Washington State has a stay at home order that runs until May 4, 2020.

Just for reference, I’ve left in details of the other 9 movies that were originally scheduled to be released in theaters on May 2020 as well as where they will be showing if announced.

The following are movie trailers and my anticipation on a scale from 0 (no interest) to 10 (highest interest in seeing).

If you’d like to see a list of all movies released in 2020 click here (that post updated throughout 2020).

2020 Theater Releases
JAN | FEB | MAR | APR | MAY

All movie release dates unless otherwise indicated are for the United States, the release dates in other countries may vary.

May 2020 Movies (2 scheduled)

The High Note
[FIRST LOOK]

The High Note is opening in theaters on May 8, 2020 will be released on VOD on May 29, 2020 

Anticipation for The High Note: 4/10

Irresistible
[FIRST LOOK]

Irresistible is opening in theaters May 29, 2020

Anticipation for Irresistible: 3/10

Movies originally planned to release May 2020, but moved by studios

Black Widow
[FIRST LOOK]

Black Widow will open in theaters November 6, 2020

Anticipation for Black Widow: 8/10

Legally Blonde 3

No trailer as of March 1, 2020. No plot summary available at IMDB has been shared either. Reese Witherspoon is returning in the title role as Elle for the sequel. The movie was originally scheduled for Valentine’s Day 2020, but pushed back for release until May 8, 2020. Now, it’s been pushed back to “TBA” — to release date is unknown.

No anticipation is possible without any real information on this sequel to base on, Marking as NR (No Rating).

Scoob!
[FIRST LOOK]

Scoob! will be released on VOD on May 15, 2020

Anticipation for Scoob!: 6/10

Spiral: From The Book of Saw

Spiral release date has been pushed back and is currently unknown (“TBA”)

Anticipation for Spiral: From The Book of Saw: 5/10

The Woman in the Window

The Woman in the Window release date has been pushed back and is currently unknown (“TBA”)

Anticipation for The Woman in the Window: ?/10

The Spongebob Movie: Sponge on the Run (2020)

The Spongebob Movie: Sponge on the Run is opening in theaters on August 7, 2020

Anticipation for The Spongebob Movie: Sponge on the Run (2020): 4/10

Artemis Fowl

Artemis Fowl will open June 12, 2020 on Disney+

Anticipation for Artemis Fowl: 3/10

Run

No trailer is available as of March 1, 2020.

A homeschooled teenager begins to suspect her mother is keeping a dark secret from her.

IMDB Plot Info

No anticipation rating without a trailer, marking as NR (No Rating).

Run is scheduled for release on May 8, 2020.

Ranking all May 2020 movies by anticipation

  • Scoob! 6/10
  • Artemis Fowl: 4/10
  • The High Note: 4/10
  • Irresistible: 3/10
  • Run (2020): NR
  • Legally Blonde 3: NR

What movies in May 2020 (scheduled + rescheduled) are you looking forward to seeing?

Disney Pleases Movie Fans, Flexes in Front of National Theater Owners (NATO): Artemis Fowl will be Summer Disney+ Release

The House of Mouse just posed in front of the mirror, pecs, abs, muscles bulging.

Perhaps it’s another month — minimum — of stay at home orders and theaters being closed or it’s the big D further promoting their hit Disney+ service, or maybe they just want to generate some (any!) good press at a time where most press is gloom and doom.

“With audiences largely unable to attend theatres in the current environment, we are thrilled to offer the premiere of ‘Artemis Fowl’ on Disney+,” said Ricky Strauss, President, Content & Marketing, Disney+. “Director Kenneth Branagh and his spectacular cast take viewers right into the vibrant, fantasy world of the beloved book, which fans have been waiting to see brought to life onscreen for years. It’s great family entertainment that is the perfect addition to Disney+’s summer lineup.”

Disney Pulls ‘Artemis Fowl’ From Theaters, Will Debut on Disney+

It will be interesting to see if the National Association of Theater Owners (NATO) snipes at them — the 800 pound gorilla — like they did with Universal for daring to release a new wide release movie outside of theaters.

It should be noted that Disney has pushed most of their titles back, in anticipation and support of theaters opening again … someday. What that landscape will look like whenever that is will largely remain a question of how long they’ve been closed. AMC, the biggest theater chain on the block, seems financially to be the most vulnerable, but time will tell.

My guess is NATO is busy crapping in their collective pants, hoping and praying that more studios don’t start cutting deals to release some of their films on streaming. It’s a fine line to walk: piss off the “exhibitors” (talk about a snobby title, they don’t even consider themselves “movie theaters”) or give people stuck at home some way to see new movies they were hoping to see.

If this pandemic goes into summer, the movie theater busiest months, there could be more titles making the jump. The studios realize there is a captive audience at home right now, eager to watch new movies. The smartest thing they can do is to filter at least some of their content into that pipeline.

If Trolls World Tour opening Friday April 10 — on VOD — does well (buy your virtual tickets, this will matter), mark my words: more new movie titles will be coming.

Not saying it should be the large budget tentpole movies, but the medium and lower budget movies should definitely consider going to the highest streaming bidder and/or VOD with some kind of lucrative split arrangement.

For those reading that think I’m sticking it to the movie theaters when they’re down, nothing could be further from the truth (see: One Big Reason Why Movie Theaters Will Be OK Compared To Streaming). I just want to see some new movies at home during the time so many people are home.

Why can’t we have both? New movies over the next 90 days and new movies when the theaters reopen?